My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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