if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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