A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
