My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
