About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
NoShamevember. You game?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
