yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
