i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
