happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
