if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
