Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
