Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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