Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
