Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
