I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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