i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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