so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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