Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
