Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
