Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
