I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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