whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
