Umm I'm too high to move.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You smell like a Billy Joel song
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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