do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
