You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
