I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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