I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
