You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
