I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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