That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
