i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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