I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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