My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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