Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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