I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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