I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dignity is for republicans.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
