i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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