I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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