remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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