I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
