At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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