there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
