well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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