dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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