were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
