He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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