I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize