I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
