theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
