your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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