apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
