dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
