my phone needs a breathalizer
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
