you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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