When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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