I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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