it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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