they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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